Saying "no"

"The ability to say 'no' is an important life skill"

Have you ever found yourself saying “yes” to do something and you immediately knew you really didn’t want to do it but felt obliged to accept anyway? We are all primed to say “yes” from a young age: “be polite”, “don’t be rude” and “help those less able” are phrases that have been hammered into children’s heads from a young age.

As adults, we often find ourselves in situations where that choice between “yes” and “no” can become difficult to navigate.

In private interactions, it’s relatively easy to make decisions, but it can be socially awkward to say “no” to a family member or a close friend. We tend to weigh the personal relationship against the social capital we may lose by saying “no”. Often, we overwrite our lack of enthusiasm because we would feel guilty otherwise.

When it concerns a one-off assistance for someone else, this can be easily put aside: once the job is done, you are free again to pursue your own things, but what if we are looking at a commitment to do something repeatedly, or without knowing when the last time is supposed to be? This brings another variable into play: how often are you willing/able to invest time and effort, even if you actually want to do this? Time now becomes an issue that might overwrite lack of enthusiasm or the issue of social capital…

Either way, these are situations where it’s worth taking your time and evaluating what you are getting into and if it’s reasonable in your current situation.

What if you have agreed to do something regularly and it turns out that it takes up too much time/effort, and other obligations now feel more important and relevant? Whenever you feel overwhelmed by obligations you have taken on (be it willingly or under pressure), it’s important to recognise that and make hard decisions.

This is when it can be awkward to face the other party and telling them that you won’t be able to continue with what has become a regular action. It helps to have alternative options handy for the other party, but that won’t take away a sense of ‘letting them down’ or ‘being unkind’.

In a professional environment, you’ll find yourself in similar situations, but with an added power differential that makes it difficult to say “no” or “I have too much on my plate already” to someone in a higher position. And that is without any office politics games being played in the background, of course. Figuring out what is reasonable can be tricky at work, but never forget that there are limits to every job.

Ultimately, it comes down to looking out for yourself first in all these situations. It doesn’t matter if you disappoint a neighbour or you stand up to your boss, you’ll have to make sure that you feel able to fulfil whatever obligations you take on.

There is a reason why you don your own oxygen masks first on a plane, and THEN help others: you have to be safe and healthy to take care of others, and that applies everywhere in life.