Dealing with what we leave behind

"Minimise the emotional turmoil"

Dealing with the items left behind after a death in the family is probably the most common – but by no means the only - situation where you have to deal with items intrinsically associated with grief.

It’s a difficult time to start with, fraught with emotions and a certain dullness of thought, so having to deal with whatever precious things remain in that person’s home will likely be emotionally charged and can bring up memories, thoughts and regrets at every turn.

More often than not it proves to be difficult, if not impossible, to separate practicality from emotion. There are some ways to deal with this, though:

Most importantly, stick to one line of reasoning when dealing with items. Look for “value” or “sentiment” or “appearance” in separate walk-throughs. Yes, it sounds like that will take more time, but you’ll spend a lot more time when you try to fit things into multiple categories at once, and you’ll soon get struck by decision fatigue. Making decisions is a difficult job at the best of times, but doing so for a home full of stuff when a loved one is gone is bound to be much harder.

Let’s get the obvious stuff out of the way first - of course you have to identify and retrieve items of financial value and group them all together in one place. Don’t worry about overlooking anything during your first run-through: if you come across more such items later, you now already know to take them to the same spot.

On the second go, look for items that strike you as sentimental and that you wish to keep for yourself. Be aware that you’ll come across many items that suddenly take on a sentimental meaning. It’s normal to reminisce, but try not to collect items to keep simply out of perceived sentiment or fear of future regret.

Make sure to select items that are meaningful to yourself, not just because they meant a lot to the deceased! There will be enough items you treasure to remember them by without burdening yourself with items you only keep for their sake.

Now it’s time to separate out the things that were particularly meaningful to the deceased (as far as you know), and making sure that those find a suitable home by gifting, selling or donating in a considerate manner.

After this, what’s left is mostly just “stuff”. Since you have dealt with the valuable and sentimental items, you may choose to have a professional removal company or a family friend take care of what’s left to avoid second-guessing and adding dead weight to what you keep already. They do the heavy lifting, you supervise and only intervene if something feels like you have overlooked something.

Of course, similar if somewhat less immediate feelings may come up when a family member moves to a more suitable accommodation, or if they are no longer able to manage a household on their own. Just make sure they go through the same steps, while you remain the voice of reason. Be prepared for strong emotions.